Restoration Productions

Is it Love?

2011-05-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

I recently had the opportunity to complete the below interview with Jaleh Weber for Associated Content for Yahoo! Here is the copy along with a link to the article.

7 Signs A Woman Really Loves a Man
Interview with Therapist Jennifer Elmquist, MA, LMFT

Are you wondering if the woman your with really loves you? To help recognize the signs that a woman really loves a man, I have interviewed therapist Jennifer Elmquist, MA, LMFT.

Tell me a little bit about yourself. "I wear a lot of hats and I love what I do! As a Licensed Mental Health Professional I serve clients in private practice, teach graduate students, and provide Mental Wellness training and coaching to companies. All of my work is focused on the passion of normalizing mental health services and helping people see the preventative health outcomes that result from pursuing Mental Wellness. Through my Minneapolis based business, Restoration Productions, I meet individuals and couples at all different places in their story; some at the beginning of a new chapter, some in the middle of a hard chapter and others at the end of a painful chapter. I believe in our self-efficacy to heal and enjoy the journey with clients as they learn to write their best story. I also love to teach and speak on Mental Wellness and provide services to corporations with the goal of building happier employees and working cultures. This year I celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary with a man I have been privileged to love and build a great family with over the years. There is nothing like learning about love on the trenches of life!"

What are 7 signs that clue a man in that a woman really loves him?
"I think many of the signs that clue us in on the feelings of others, especially genuine love, are universal and can be applied to both genders. Here are some things to look for if you want to know if your love is the real deal:

1. Reciprocity. If someone really loves you it will be important to them to know you intimately and that you also get to know them. Look for equal parts of curiosity about your life and a willingness to share about their life. A one sided encounter either way is a red flag.
2. Time. When you are in love there is a desire to spend time with one another. Look for a partner that enjoys and prefers spending time with you.
3. Respect. It is important that you feel your partner respects your life and who you are without trying to change or manipulate you. This means that even if you disagree they can voice their concerns, listen to your point of view and in the end support you wholeheartedly. Love can handle differences and honors you as an individual.
4. Confidence. Look for a partner that is confident in who they are and loves you from this place. Real love doesn’t originate from a needy or demanding place, relying on another person to prop up a shaky identity. Self-confidence is what allows love to weather the storms of life.
5. Endurance. Having the ability to persevere ups and downs without needing to fix, blame or criticize is a very durable representation of love. Find a partner that can run a long distance race with you while demonstrating patience, kindness and honesty.
6. Intimacy. Real love feels safe being close and open. This is reflective in emotional conversations and sexual relations. It doesn’t mean these interactions are always mind-blowing but there is a passion to be together in these places.
7. Attraction. Your partner needs to think you are awesome and feel attracted to you. This attraction should be both physical and emotional and you should know it and feel it. No fishing for complements here."

What advice would you like to leave for a man who really wants to know if a woman really loves him?
"Read through the 7 signs and evaluate your relationship honestly. A real litmus test in all relationships has to do with words and actions – if they don’t align, something is off. Love should be evident in what your partner says to you and does for you. I believe that genuine love is based on a reciprocated wanting, with our whole being, for the other to become all they were meant to be in this life. That kind of exchange is priceless and requires as much from you as from the other person in a loving relationship that can go the distance. Ask yourself this question: Do you feel this way about your partner and do they feel that way about you? If the answer is yes then you may have just found your love connection."

Thanks Jennifer for doing the interview on 7 signs a woman really loves a man. For more information on Jennifer Elmquist or her work you can check out her website on http://www.jenniferelmquist.com/.

Article on Yahoo!

Focus on the positive

2010-04-06T14:07:00.000-07:00

What are your strengths? Can you list three off the top of your head and write them down? Now, what are your weaknesses? How many immediately come to mind? Isn't it amazing how it is easier to point out our weaknesses and much harder to define our strengths. We are brought up to over emphasize improvement, from tests in school to job performance reviews to a myriad of self help products. What if we spent more time working and focusing on our strengths, the things we naturally do really well? Psychological research tells us that we are happier and work more effectively when we operate in our strengths. Educational research tells us we learn better when we are taught in our preferred learning style.
The second belief that my work as a therapist is rooted in is "It is better to focus on the use and development of our strengths than to dwell on our weaknesses". Whether we are looking for solutions to our problems, trying to grow and appreciate others in relationship or learning how to love ourselves we never gain much distance when the focus is on the negative. Just for today take your three strengths and celebrate them. Offer them to others, spend part of your day working a strength area, write out your strengths, post them on your bathroom mirror and speak them out as affirmations to yourself. If you are really stuck go pick up Tom Rath's book Strengthfinders 2.0 and take the strengths assessment online. This survey from Gallup will provide you with a detailed breakdown of your top 5 strengths and inspire you to do more with what your really good at!

You have the power

2010-02-23T13:58:00.000-08:00

One of those most amazing statistics on therapy out there is that 90% of the success rate is based on the client/therapist relationship, only 10% is based on the "type of approach" a therapist uses.
When I started to put together my list of beliefs behind why I work as a therapist the first one came easily and is a bedrock in my thinking. "First and foremost, I believe in the self-efficacy of each individual to access what already lies within them to heal and grow. The therapist bears witness to, encourages, advises and educates as a part of the client's process"
I believe that people know what they need to do to heal. That knowing may need to be uncovered, brushed off, revived, or at times resuscitated but it is there in the essence of our being. Often times what needs to be done is so simple yet so complicated that we write it off as unnecessary or meaningless. For example, I have seen symptoms of anxiety and depression diminish through the powerful impact of confession or forgiveness. Talking for the first time about a history of abuse, admitting for the first time the commitment to victimhood or finally releasing the painful unmet expectations rooted in childhood. Any one of these acts come to the surface during therapy not through the therapist but rather through the heart of the client. The process to getting there is as much an individual choice as is taking the time and getting the help to listen to yourself. This always reminds me of the end of the movie "The Wizard of Oz" when Glinda says to Dorothy "Why, you have had the power to go home the whole time". We all have the power to heal and grow anytime we want and getting help to remember who we are, well that's just a part of the journey.

The why behind our do.

2010-02-22T13:49:00.000-08:00

Everything we do is informed by a reason. These reasons, of which we have many, are developed because of something we believe. I suppose in it's simplest form that is the definition of cognitive behavioral therapy. Cognitive = what we think and Behavioral = what we do. In therapy I use this method with clients every day to help them change what they think so they will take new actions and create a more satisfying life.
After I had spent my first year working as a therapist I sat down and thoughtfully considered my reasons for choosing this line of work. What were my reasons? What was it that I believed about life, people and changes that motivated me to help others learn, heal and grow? That day I came up with a list of 20 beliefs that were the why behind my do. I am certain these will modify and grow over the years but as I read them today they still make up the foundation that informs my everyday.
Over the next few weeks I am going to blog about each of these beliefs in hopes that I may understand them better and that they may inspire you to ask yourself -
What is the why behind my do?

Love Languages

2010-02-15T15:22:00.000-08:00

I first heard about love languages about 20 years ago in pre-marriage counseling with my husband. I remember doing a short quiz and sharing with each other how we most enjoyed receiving love from others. Since then The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman has become a hit book and fairly common main street conversation. If you haven't heard about this concept here's a quick summary: Just like we have different learning styles we each have different ways that we like being loved. These five ways have been identified as talk, touch, time, service and gifts. Each person has a preference as to how they like to have love communicated. Often, when we aren't aware of another persons primary love language we will offer love in the way we like to receive love. This is why it is so helpful to share in a relationship your preferences as it allows greater intimacy when we know how to specifically meet each others love needs. (There is nothing that causes more relational insanity than waiting for someone to read your mind!)

So, here is a fun activity to do with your family, spouse or family of friends.

Sit together for a meal and give each person a short love language quiz that looks like this:

What is your love language?
_ Time (spend time with people you love)
_ Talk (expressions of love and conversation)
_ Touch (physical affection and intimacy)
_ Gift (meaningful or thoughtful gifts)
_Service (someone doing something for you)

Ask each person to rank these in order from what makes them feel most loved to least loved. Then, go around the table and talk about each person's answer, even asking for an example so you can really see what expressions are meaningful. My family did this during our Valentine's meal and it was so amazing to hear what my kids and spouse had to say! Their answers offered a vital peek into how to make sure I am touching their hearts in a personal way on a daily basis. This is so simple and yet really powerful. Give it a try!

Keeping Love Alive

2010-02-11T14:06:00.000-08:00

What a great morning on The Buzz with FOX 9! Check out the video with tips for keeping your relationship going during the busy years of marriage. More tomorrow on FOX morning news at 8:30 on how to express love to your kids.

Love is an Action Word

2010-02-10T15:41:00.001-08:00

We have all heard it said that it is the thought that counts. In some ways this is true, our thoughts do have a powerful effect on our reality. But in relationships this is a false statement. In relationships thoughts need to be put into action for people to know how we feel. Here are some simple ways to turn your loving thoughts into loving actions.
1. When someone crosses your mind and you think of them fondly use one of the many modes of communication at our disposal. Voicemail, Text, Facebook, IM, or Twitter a quick "just thinking about you" or "I love you" note. It is so easy!
2. When you think of something you could do with your spouse, child or friend put it on your schedule. Block out time for a walk, make a reservation for dinner, schedule a cup of coffee.
3. Say yes to spontaneous ideas and create memories that last a lifetime. The next time the kids are in their jammies and ready for bed, get them in the car and take a surprise adventure to the ice cream shop or build a fort and read stories. All it takes is a little extra time to make a lifetime memory of love.
4. Make a remember list. When a great gift idea for your son comes to mind or your spouse talks about a new book they would like write it on your to do list. Turning other people's desires into reality let's them know you really care.
These are just a few ways you can make your thoughts genuinely count toward building more intimate and loving relationships. So when that thought runs through your mind today turn it into an action!

Loving Awake

2010-02-09T14:36:00.000-08:00

Where I used to live in California there was a coffee shop named The Coffee Gallery. Every morning they hung a sign that said "Open and Awake". I loved that sign because it was a great reminder to step fully into life! Being open and awake is the first step to truly loving ourselves, our families and friends. When we live unconsciously or asleep we struggle to pay attention, days run into weeks and before we know it kids grow up, careers go stagnant, relationships grow distant, dreams dim and we wonder "Who am I?". This closes us down to our purpose and creates depression, anxiety and worst of all, apathy.
One of the best gifts you can give yourself, your family and those that love you this Valentine's Day is YOU - fully alive. Decide that now is the best day to live. Do one thing different and see your perspective shift. Change one limiting thought or belief to the positive. Give your one and only life the value it deserves. Each of these actions will create an opportunity for you to be Open and Awake, ready to give and receive love like never before. Tomorrow we are going to look at simple ways to express love to those closest to you, yourself included!

Learning How to Love

2010-02-08T11:05:00.000-08:00

With Valentine's Day just a week away my thoughts turn to those I love. I know some people bristle at the Hallmark initiated holiday but I don't think it is such a bad idea to take one day out of the year and focus on those we love. Actually, most of us probably celebrate the concept of Valentine's Day on plenty of other days throughout the year. However, it is easy, many days, to let life get in the way of who really matters.
This week I am going to write about ways that we can show love to our family, those the closest to us, on a day to day basis. One of the most incredible influences that a parent has is that of teaching children how emotions are expressed. Research is showing that we learn from infancy what emotions look and feel like through our parent's expression. We learn if anger is a loud or quiet emotion, we learn if sadness is express in tears in public or through isolation. In like fashion, we learn what love looks like, for example, whether it is verbal or implied. I have had more than one client tell me that they knew their parent loved them even though they never heard the words I love you. Although that same client would attest that the words would have been wonderful.
This week let's look at ways families can express their love through Talking Love, Acting Love and Living Love. Check in tomorrow for more!

Delete

2009-07-02T17:45:00.000-07:00

The other day I was driving in the car with my daughter when she announced from the back seat that she had decided to delete her family. My daughter is a pre-teen and has recently enjoyed playing SIMS, a computer game that allows you to simulate a whole world of your own making. Out of frustration with the life she had created it seemed that the only solution was to now delete the family and start all over again.
I asked her what the problem was and she explained that she created a husband that was interested in family but when she created his personality she had to make him more lazy in order to have enough points to also make him more neat. Confusing, I know, but these were the trade offs in the creation of the personality profile (not so far from reality, huh?) Anyway, as a result she was the only one with a job, the husband wasn't changing, bathing or feeding the baby, he was falling asleep on the kitchen floor and they were in jeopardy of needing to sell the dog in order to make it. I should note, however, that he was cleaning up his dishes. My daughter felt stuck and I felt like I was in the middle of a couple's therapy session. Actually, quite often couples come to see me when they are faced with the solution of deleting the relationship after months or years of feeling stuck.

I asked my daughter what other options she would have, beyond deleting, even though they weren't available in the game. She said I would either talk to him, have a therapist come to our home or take a vacation. Clever and viable. When clients come to my office they are often in need of these three things: a good heart to heart, a mediator to help them hear each other and a little time away from the problem in order to get perspective. In real life we have access to all of those solutions. You have access. Take it before deletion seems like the only solution.

What's your choice: Should have been, Will be or Now?

2009-06-16T15:01:00.000-07:00

I had a dream. I had a plan. I knew how my life was supposed to play out. It didn’t happen. A funny thing happened on the way to living the life I was suppose to live, I began to live the life I was in. This realizing didn’t come right away; perhaps it has taken until now to fully appreciate the meaning of Now. Now is life as it is, not as it Should Have Been or as it Will Be. Those are lives that don’t exist and actually will never exist because I can’t go backwards and when I get to the future it will be tainted by all the unknown experiences that will occur between now and then. I have fully experienced living my life in the Should Have Been or Will Be frame of mind.

The Should Have Been perspective is full of negative emotions: judgment, criticism, blame, frustration, grudges, betrayal, and loss. It also holds excuses of unmet potential and opportunity just within reach. It is a cowardly way to live. Not long ago, my husband was reflecting back on a very difficult time in our life that required great loss, unplanned transitions and even greater character. Before I took a moment to censure my thoughts, rapidly, off my tongue flew the accusation of “That’s when my life was ruined”. No sooner had it left my lips did I know it wasn't a true perspective. Not for my husband, he offered a smallish, knowing smirk. Not for a listening friend, she had been there and knew my pain. But for me, in my heart, I knew the reaction was coming out of old emotional energy not from the place I stood in the Now. Now, I could embrace that the lessons learned were worth the pain. Now, I could see what needed to be worked out in me as a result of that time in life. Now, held gratitude for the pain and loss on an even scale with healing and growth. Now, knew that the me that was present was the result of not a ruined life but a life challenged and redeemed. Living in a Should Have Been position about life does nothing to validate who you are rather, with very little effort, it reduces our pain to nonsense. May our pain in this world never be for not.

The Will Be perspective, optimistic illusion when projecting forward, holds negative energy and regard for the present Now. It also holds negative emotion in the now of judgment, criticism, failure, frustration, condescension, and dismissal. It further implies that all we have done to get to now isn’t good enough. We are not enough. My home is a good example of a way I have lived in the Will Be perspective. Prior to the home I currently live in I lived in larger homes, with greater amenities and better space to entertain, something that gives me great joy. These other homes gave to my ego a sense of success and pride. The home I live in now was a landing place after the difficult season. It is functional, easy to maintain, proximal to our family life resources, fairly inexpensive and is an impressive carbon footprint for a family of four in today’s square footage laden suburban excess. But it doesn’t have the amenities, allow for entertaining or serve my pride. In a desperate effort to get back to what I thought was to be my life I have wished away time in this home, time in the Now, by constantly focusing my energy on the next house that Will Be. A year ago I let go of the home and centered myself in the Now. Not that there haven’t been moments of vacillating into Will Be but for the most part I decided to live in the Now. Guess what, my level of satisfaction greatly increased, evident in the fact that I hold the impressions I shared above about the positive, productive life that we live in this home. Evident in the fact that I no longer live for the Will Be.

The Should Have Been and Will Be remind me of a drive I took in Southern California headed to the beach for the weekend. While traveling down the highway I took the wrong exit for the toll way road and ended up taking a long detour back to the freeway. While driving the detour I was consumed with the thought of being lost and not getting to the road I intended to take. Shortly, a thought broke through the ruminating about how lost I was and how I was going to find my way back to the intended route. This thought reminded me that life is full of detours and if I were to spend time in the detours obsessing about where I was going or how to undo the detour, I would miss the beauty of the Now. As I left my head and reconnected with the moment I realized I was driving through the most beautiful rolling hills with the ocean just within my view. Surprisingly, not long after, that I came back upon the highway and continued on to my destination with little delay and a more peaceful feeling. The negative energy and emotion that I had spent on worrying about what I Should have done or what Will come gave no return on investment. At this point the thoughts revealed their complete and utter worthlessness. The detour had taught me a lesson; I was broader and deeper because of getting lost.

This is life, full of scenic detours in which we feel lost and find ourselves judging the past and wishing for tomorrow. In that, we miss what the Now holds. Detours, in the end, get us to our destination in a more complete way than if we had sped on through on the highway. Getting lost is essential to feeling found. Learning to trust the detours is the key to accepting the Should Have Been and releasing the Will Be. Now is the most scenic place, full of life, love, joy, because it is where we are. Now requires very little negative emotion because it is nearly impossible to judge the present. The present can only be judged through a lens of the past or a lens of the future. Letting go of Should Have Been and Will Be are nothing but a choice to be present in the Now, accept the detours in life and enjoy the beauty around us.

The Between

2009-06-11T17:43:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the beauty of the garden with the sun setting, eating an amazing meal with a lovely glass of wine, the woman said, "I can't wait to get out of this prison." The person next to her was taken back, what did she mean, this was heaven on earth, what most people long for in their dreams. But for her, this destination came after the death of her dream and held all the healings and learnings of her pain. This place reminded her of who she was and who she hadn't yet become. This place was her Between.
In our journey of life we have times of change, times of transition and usually, just once, a great identity shift. Known in history and literature as the Hero's Journey, it is a designated process of losing who we thought we were, becoming someone new and then reentering the world. Sitting in the middle of an ending and a beginning, The Between holds the fragile task of metamorphosis. The cocoon where we become someone new.
Not a stranger to the place, I have often described this process as wearing a wet, wool sweater over a cold, naked body -terribly uncomfortable. It holds all the memory and all the hope, the dark nights and glimpses of dawn, who we no longer are and the doubts about who we are becoming. Much like a prison, it holds the grievance of our past and the uncertainty of our future. More than anything it carries a fragrance of yearning, to be done, complete, finished. Yet, in the end, when it is done, complete, finished, The Between remains the quiet whisper of what we are truly made of and what gave us wings to fly.

To read more about this incredible journey pick up: Cultural Creatives, by Paul Ray and Sherry Anderson

Earthquakes and Intentions

2009-03-26T14:03:00.000-07:00

Are you conscious of your intentions? Do you know the why behind your choices, your relationships, your career? It is common, when we are unsure of who we are, for our choices to be motivated by an intention to define ourselves. When we use objects outside of ourselves to define who we are it is like building a home on a fault line. As soon as the ground shifts the home is in trouble. Likewise, when we build off the intention that someone or something can make us a whole person we are setting ourselves up for a great earthquake. If you are suffering through a change in a relationship or career it might be worthwhile to check out your original intentions.

Do you have a vision for your life?

2009-03-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

Often client's come to see me because they are stuck. Sometimes they are stuck in their individual experience and sometimes they are stuck in their relationships. Being stuck is a horrible feeling and often contributes to depression and anxiety.

Depression comes because there is a lack of hope and a belief that no matter how hard we try our circumstances won't change and may even become worse. Anxiety comes because there is a lack of control and a belief that our circumstances are running our life rather than our choices. On some level these emotional experiences usually accompany the state of being stuck.

A question I usually ask when a client is feeling stuck is "Do you have a vision for your life?". Often the answer is "No, I don't have a vision, for my life, for my relationships, for my family. The old Proverb says "Without vision people perish". I have seen this to be true time and again.

If you are feeling stuck, depressed, anxious - "Do you have a vision for your life?"

If not, try asking yourself these questions today:
1. "Where am I going?"
2. "How am I going to get there?"

Those two answers are the start of the vision for your life.

Restoration Productions has a twofold vision:
1. To make therapy a normal part of our lives - - just like going to the health club.
2. To offer women of all ages creative ways to learn, heal and grow.

If you live in the Minneapolis area and want help building your life vision come take a journey with Restoration Productions!

Live your best story,

Jennifer Elmquist, MA, LAMFT